24.Sep – { In My Bed Crying….} with Brandy

hippie anarchist

~My sad, cold, corner of reality…~

If I’m being honest, I cry in the shower sometimes.  Often because I feel the burden & more frequently because I wish I felt it more, so I could channel it into some method of sincere change. Being of mixed heritage doesn’t put me on the fence… In most cases I am the fence; so I debate and attempt show people the other side.

I serve my country proudly because we are a force of constant evolution, usually in the right direction, and that’s the glue that binds me to my military family. I’ve been name called, told I’ve only done “well” because I’m a woman of color and most recently I’ve seen the stares, which made me scared because they do not see my service… They see my skin and big hair.

I do not want us to assimilate, I want us to cohabitate. I’m tired of being angry, judged, hurt & without hope… Can’t we all just admit that though all lives matter, that black lives have proven to be grossly undervalued & that needs to change?

I will say it loudly, I walk with black people
I am a black woman
I worry about my black family & friends
I support the uber vocals like Jesse Williams, Colin Kaepernick & Bill Maher (to name a few).

If I serve and I’m worried, can’t we admit there is an issue?

Don’t stomp on flags, don’t support anti-white, don’t stop apprehending or subduing “criminals”… Just stop shooting first, allowing harm to come to people of color while in custody, assuming folk of color are always “up to no good” and pushing the agenda that America was always great!

We used to sell people!!! That’s not great, but for a great long while it was Legal… Legal doesn’t mean Right! It was once Legal to beat your wife on the court steps on Sunday! Not RIGHT, but LEGAL! America used to allow girls as young as 12 marry older men! It was Legal, but wasn’t Right!

Start by asking yourself would all these things going on bother you if the were pristine white faces? Men, women and children who were not given a chance or choice to be detained, questioned, have trials or be sentenced?  Would you hurt then? If so, you don’t have to admit it to me, but best believe your heart known by he who is most high & I hope you find a way to live with yourself… Or at least have the opportunity not to perish like the ones on dash-cams!

~Hippie Anarchist

18.Sep – { They Cheered at my Death }

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I didn’t die. lol – otherwise this post would be hella weird.  But I basically did.  This post is about owning your moment.  Celebrating your attention and literally not caring a single ounce about what anyone thinks about you.  Gather around I have a story to tell about something that happened to me yesterday – listen up, this is good.

We had a promotion ceremony for our newly minted Chief’s.  Almost the whole ship was there.  For those that are Navy-illiterate, an aircraft carrier has a couple of thousand people  onboard.  Yeah, almost all of them were there.  The bleachers were filled will Sailors and down on the floor there were chairs set up for family, friends and etc…I wanted to be close to the action so I went to the floor seats.  Our Commanding Officer got up to give his speech – and I’m his Exec so I was listening attentively…then all of a sudden…

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(this was me minus about a hunnit pounds and way more melanin)

My chair collapsed into about 29 pieces and I was flat on my back, looking up at the rafters.  It sounded like a gun-shot…. and then it got silent.  As I was laying flat on my back …I knew I had about 3 seconds to OWN MY MOMENT.  I then yelled “Sir…I’m alright!” …everyone erupted in laughter – tear-jerking laughter.  Some were laughing with me, and some at me – And i didn’t care at all.  I stood up like i was gladiator at the colosseum, lifted one hand in the air, waved to the people…took a bow, kicked the broken chair out of the way..pulled up another chair and sat down….as if nothing had happened.

Afterwards many people came to me laughing – but talked about how they would’ve just died if they would’ve gone through the same thing.  Some are quoted in saying “man, you even make breaking and falling in a chair in front of hundreds of people look cool” … I just owned the moment.

In life you can crumble in those moments – or seize them.  I got my big dumb self up off of that floor and rose up like i had done something monumental and awesome, and the people should be grateful to have witnessed someone of my stature break a chair like a proud fat boy.

  • when they cheer at your death, raise from the dead and kill them like a real zombie would

11.Sep { Gay Dad’s that aren’t Gay }

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Some male social media users said they find an adult son being physically close to his father “unnatural.

Recently some pictures of a loving father and son laying down together made some men very uncomfy.  Tragic.

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As you can see in the picture above – captioned “18 years later and he’s still under my arm” …this father has always been close to his son, they love each other.  In this fragile masculine, patriarchal construct that exists today – the notion of a man not doing manly things just shatters the very foundation of some men.  Perhaps I find nothing wrong with this photo because my dad till this day plants big sloppy kisses on my forehead and tells me how much he loves me, and if wanted to…I could lay up under him all damn day.  And Big KB (my dad) is one of the manliest men that has ever manned!  Cars, motorcycles, engines, hunting, camping, trucks, boats, guns, beef jerky, plumbing, carpentry and muscles = my dad.  I assume the list above is what makes a man….idk, I’m still trying to figure that out.

This jaded sense of knowing what “men do” causes way more harm than you think.  It trickles into other areas and stifles the potential for great friendships.  I have several gay male friends – some closer than others…history has shown that my very own sexuality comes into question just from the mere association with gay men.  How can a heterosexual man that is 1000% turned on by women be that cool with gay dudes?  He gotta be gay fam…

EASY, because I know who i am….lol.

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I think the that the men that are extremely concerned with things that don’t look manly – are men that are having problems with their own identity.  They can’t work out in their mind feelings that they may have – so they project and judge in order to not be positioned in a place where anyone would call into question their “manhood”

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I kiss my sons, hug my sons, and they definitely lay on me.  If you feel differently, then go create you some john deer juniors that have severe relational issues and can’t gauge whether or not their dad loves them.  I have no doubt in my mind that mine does, and my sons won’t either – because we have a father-son intimacy that goes beyond some idiots ability to comprehend love.

  • Kenneth

15.Aug – { Words to Welcome Chaos }

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Written from a hole. Cramped in a shell…I have to pour these words somewhere in order to create more room for chaos.

The numbness that is typically reserved for those deserving, has spread to others and without intention.  A recognized need for self-care and mental and emotional attention is before me…but knowing the mud, blood,  and filth that awaits in the journey of healing – combined with a deep falling in order to climb back up is not something to look forward to.  But to climb out of this hole, and be able to look down into it…with the worms, dark secrets and pieces of self would be a major summit in a minor life.

The reclusiveness that is reserved for blunt trauma is upon me, as a cold wet blanket and as much as i want to talk and reach out, i want to be left alone to lay.  In my walking coma.  Amongst others.  Smiling.  The darkness that is growing that I try to kill with matches, burn my fingers.  The soft scent of smoke comforts me as something familiar and finite.  I want to get lost in music…in heavy bass-lines and mood-shifting chord progressions.  No one has played the music I long to hear.  No one has spoken the words i long to hear.

Written from a hole, deep in my sole.  Cramped in a shell.  I have poured words here.  And now more chaos is here.

  • Kenneth

11.Jul – { Kenneth’s Words on Black }

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My first attempt to collect thoughts regarding our current racial temperature. This may seem like incoherent rambling…but whatever.

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What in the hell is going on?  The season for strange fruit to blossom is upon us.  It’s been a long time since nationally and internationally strange fruit…or rather the bodies of beautiful black people have been on display for all to see – and without consequence to the farmer of said fruit.  In times past this method was used to instill fear in the black community…as to say “this too, can happen to you – nigger”

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..but the response of this generation is anger and not fear.  It is increasingly hard to trust white people.  Especially after you’ve called some friends, broke bread with them, hugged them as familly – and in the midst of all of this racial turmoil, the black community is at unrest and is continually appalled that our white friends would side with those that kill us – quoting skewed stats, irrelevant points and a compliant rhetoric.  It makes us blacks as a whole completely untrustworthy of the white community.  There have been about 3 or 4 that have written me and checked on me to see if I’m ok, and have empathized with what’s going today – as they know I’m not only in pain..but unsure about my safety, my life and my families lives as well.  AND I HAVE HELLA “WHITE FRIENDS”  (or at least I thought I did) – don’t worry…I’m paying attention.

I am not against police, even though since i can remember I have feared them.  The world is now seeing what we’ve been saying our entire lives – and it STILL DOESN’T MATTER.  Video evidence that get people put in jail – is not enough to classify a cop as a murderer.  It’s like we can’t question the system – solely because this system is the norm, and people don’t see anything wrong with it.  I liken it to the slave being punished for running away…surely is the nigger’s fault that we hang him because of this and NOT the system.  Of course they deserved to get dogs and hoses – this diner is for whites, the blacks should comply and just eat where niggers are supposed to eat…it is not that Jim Crow legislation is of satan himself and the system is wrong …..COPS KILLING BLACKS AT AN ALARMING AND UNEQUAL RATE? – SURELY THE NIGGERS ARE NON-COMPLIANT AND SHOULD JUST LISTEN TO THE….OH WAIT…PHILANDO. 

When I converse with whites about what’s going on- or see them on social media.  I compare them to the whites that just walked by the nigger as they hung from the tree, leaning to the side a little so the feet won’t touch them.  I see you.  Remain silent as we scream murder and wet the streets with rivers of tears.  PLEASE continue to act like this isn’t going on.  I see you.

We are here – 

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…and as Jesse said – “it’s time to restructure their function and ours”

  • Kenneth