Twerk Miley Twerk
Sooooooo, yeah about this whole twerking thing. Are we really this enamored by it America? I mean I saw this topic on CNN last week…CNN!?!?!?!? First, they reported of the tragedy in Syria and then the next major story was about Miley Cyrus and her twerking with Robin Thicke (which I have decided he looked like the love child of the Riddler and Beetlejuice on the MTV awards, but I digress). Where were you in 1998? Because that’s when I first became aware of it…and it has probably, most likely, undoubtedly has been in existence since the infamous Freaknic gatherings in Atlanta of Black History yore (please YouTube these gatherings and/or “Whistle While You Twerk” by the now defunct Ying Yang Twins).
Now all of a sudden everyone is hypnotized by the non-movement of the lower extremities of clearly cracked out Miley Cyrus (who I am certain Billy Ray is soon to disown). She ain’t even twerking (yes I said ain’t)…she is swaying in the wind like a battered and torn flag of surrender. Sit down chile. You see for something to twerk, something has to move, there is no movement of thigh or glute or lower back to carefully control all gloriously natural, non-choreographed movements. She is a disgrace to all twerkers and professionals of late night pole mastery everywhere. If I was a stripper…I would create a union to protect this sacred art form and those who abuse it, MILEY, should be sued or thrown in prison….I’m aware of the extremes of my options, you can unscrunch your face now.
Twerking is reserved for those who know when and how to properly use it. Not lost ex Disney stars trying to find their place in the world or lame white sorority or swim team girls upside down on walls. So Miley girl…young Hannah THOTanna (if you don’t know what THOT is, just go to Urban Dictionary), please have an infinity’s worth of seats…away from rappers, and Molly…and the recording studio…and any video recording device…rehab is a nice place for that.