The Face is Strong On This One
First of all, I want to apologize for not writing for a while. I became busy with shows and rehearsal and finding a way to not choke life out of, and then back into, and then out of people. However, I have become increasingly motivated and inspired to write again due to some of the things that I have seen on my Facebook news feed.
I have a good amount of FB friends (I don’t know how because I am a complete non-respecter of feelings. I am without fawks to give most of the time). Yet, people still add me and I see their unimportant posts about which jelly they used on their biscuit this morning or what vegetable their 6 month old spit up at dinner time. In between the mundane posts, every once in a while, you get to see a picture. There are 1089 likes on the picture and 65 comments all saying “OMG, you’re Gorg” or “WERQ!” or “Get It”. You see this picture and in that brief moment, you wish that you couldn’t see…anything…ever…again. Commence to scratching your own cornea for deliverance.
Let me slow down. When you see this pic and all the comments, you begin to question your own judgment. You say to yourself, “Maybe that is just her bad side”. Then you see another pic of the “other side” and it is just as bad. This person’s face is like an evil Rubik’s cube of neverending displeasure. You start to wonder if you need glasses. Maybe you need glasses and contacts to be worn at the same time. Maybe you need to squint and turn your head to the left about 34 degrees and cough. Something must be wrong because you don’t see the beauty that is allegedly oozing from this selfie. All you see is confusion and a strong face.
What is a strong face? I’m glad you asked. You ask intelligent questions. It isn’t a compliment. Let’s just get that out of the way. Strong face is pure rudeness and can be considered as a more subtle way of expressing the fact that a person does not have an attractive face. The more powerful the inanimate object used in the simile, the less attractive the person is. This morning, on my FB page, I stated that someone had a face stronger than Popeye after eating a spinach omelette and washing it down with a spinach smoothie. We all are aware of how the level of strength increases in Popeye after spinach consumption. It is enough to overthrow his worst enemy and move boulders and cars. Now, let’s connect that to the face of a FB friend. Perhaps this person has a jaw line that looks like it was drawn with a chisel tip Sharpie, by a 5th grader who just learned what a rhombus is. (Caution: Sharp Turn). They may even have eyes that look as though they are trying to come in for the first date kiss (Cue “Just to be Close To You” by The Commodores). Still confused? No worries. Let’s go over some examples. I’ll give examples that cover the spectrum of strong face.
1) Man, her face is strong as gorilla glue.
2) Did you see that guy? His face is stronger than 3 kids who ride on the short school bus.
3) I’m serious. She has a face strong like bull. (If I said this, it would be in a Russian or Hungarian accent, it makes it more sincere).
The last example brings us to a new term I recently developed: BULLFACEDNESS. This is the strongest of faces. I mean, have you ever seen video footage of people running with the bulls? Have you ever seen a bullfight? Seen a redneck ride an agitated bull for 2 minutes? These animals are relentless with their mission to show others how strong they are. To destroy lives. To flaunt their strength. The bulls careth naught. And the most intriguing part is that, most of the time, they are unaware that they are doing anything wrong. It’s all about survival with bulls.
This is also true of people who are plagued by BULLFACEDNESS. They don’t know they are doing anything wrong by posting these pics that make eyes cry tears of blood. Their intention is not to ruin my day. They just want to flaunt their strength, their face—and will continue to do so until they feel as though they have been acknowledged for their power.
So, next time you see a good strong face on FB or you are startled by someone suffering from bullfacedness; just remember these few tips for survival (kind of like owning a Mogwai)…try to distract them, like a rodeo clown. Tell them that’s a nice shirt. Talk about House of Cards. Point to a random building with a gargoyle on top and ask them if that is distant family (okay, maybe not that one). If it is on a computer, save yourself from continued trauma by removing from your news feed. Most importantly, don’t wear red around them in public. It probably won’t end well for anyone in the arena/office/bar/church service. TORO! TORO!
And I’m Gone.