31 Jan. – { The Insides }

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So……..

I would normally say that I’m in a weird place, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think I’m in a different place. Have you ever seen someone go from extrovert to introvert? From getting energy from proximity to a lot of people to being drained by the same group of people?

I now find myself wishing I was somewhere in solitude enjoying my own thoughts – and yes, conversing with myself concerning said thoughts. My insides are different. And I’m learning to be ok with that.

I don’t know if it’s because of recent changes in my personal life, but I’m learning to be ok with who I am. To be as social as I once was, to the adult non-mutant swagged-out turtle that retreats into his shell as much possible had me thinking I was slowly sinking into some sort of depressed state. You better believe I was concerned. The once-outgoing Kenneth looking for places where people would gather and where new things would pop off now makes a bee-line to the gym and then to my fortress of solitude.

I hope you have points in time where you can sit and reflect on who you are as a person and how you’ve changed over the years. Some of you will find that you haven’t changed at all. If that’s you, then you should probably evaluate your life. Circumstance and life happening bring us to our points of change. If you have not experienced this at all, then your circumstances have changed minimally, or you’re around the exact same people (who are probably arrested mentally and emotionally as well), or you’re one of those people that just staunchly exist.

Either way, there’s nothing wrong with any of it. I would just implore you to know and love yourself. I was at a point where I thought I needed to go back (BACK) to therapy. Actually, that will happen – it’s such a beautiful exchange that I feel the need to put a shameless mental health plug in there for you who suffer under the weight of the “crazy” stigma that says going to see someone about your thoughts and emotions is a bad thing. Tell you what a bad thing is…when your insides are changing and you can’t deal. So you self-medicate or stop the clock.

And that is NOT ok.

Well… It’s taking some time for me to get used to mid-30s Kenneth. And considering I’m not much of a people person anymore – you probably won’t get to know him. Sucks for you.