14.Jan – { The Platonic Lie }

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I recently took suggestions from readers on topics they wanted to see me word vomit on…and one that caught my attention was “whether or not men and women can be friends” – in a true platonic state.

Bottom Line Up Front:  No, Nope, Nawl, *shakes head no*, gives the thumbs down.

And oddly enough I say this while having women as friends *gasps* – so here we go diving with an uncomfortable level of transparency.

What I mean here, and if I can be extremely frank, is this.  Unless the person is really unattractive to the other then yes – and even in those cases, their personalities begin to look good.  I can only speak from a man’s perspective.  I know women are weird and complex…so they could probably compartmentalize their dealing with men-friends and have this authentic friendship with a man and live in this euphoric platonic state.  But if I may allow my penis to speak for minute…if the woman is attractive, he’s thought about sleeping with her at least 800,476 times (and that’s just today).

(i typed the below in all caps because i’m serious)

IF HE WAS OFFERED SOME SEXY TIME WITH HER…QUITE POSSIBLY WITH ZERO STRINGS ATTACHED (even though we know all of the strings will be attached) HE’S GOING TO SHOW UP TO THE NIGHT SHOW WITH SOMETHING RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE, A CARAFE OF KY, A DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE….AAAAAAND HIS JODECI “BEAT IT UP” MIX CD.

Women, you may not know this to be true because of one or two reasons.

Either:

  1.  He respects you and doesn’t want to cross those lines (without knowing where you are with him…which in essence is just fear of rejection)
  2.  He’s just too scared to ask for sex (because of fear of rejection) ….dang, that fragile masculinity is a trip no?

If you’re having a hard time believing this…..just offer a couple of your male friends some “prime time” – if he says no…he’s lying.  If he says yes…I told you so.  They all want it.

I must say – the only absolute is that there are no absolutes.  The exceptions to this scientific fact are:

  1. you’re ugly
  2. you stank
  3. your personality is beyond horrible
  4. he’s gay
  • Kenneth

13.Jan – { The Final State of the Union } with Tina Nagbare

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Admittedly, this probably the laziest post I’ve ever written, but I’m working on not policing myself as much in 2016 and in general I think I’m funny (save your commentary for yourself).

So last night was the final State of the Union (SOTU) address that we will get from Pres. Barack Obama (POTUS) and I was sad about that. ‘Why?’ you ask? Because he’s the first President I’ve seen that has made these interesting. You may or may not like his politics, but you must concede that this man is charming, has charisma, and knows how to give an engaging speech with *just* the right amount of sarcasm and snark (2 things I enjoy the most). But also…. #Blackness. Yes, I said that. And yes, I mean it. So it shouldn’t be surprising that there were AfAms gathered across the country for SOTU Watch Parties – because Blacks will always throw a party. Why? Simple, we are good at it.
So I – in all of glorious Blackness – joined my fellow Bougie Black Comrades. We gathered. We introduced. We drank. We watch-partied. I must admit, I was expecting one of the Blackest Presidential moments in history. My dream was for POTUS to mimic Michael B. Jordan’s fight entrance in CREED, including wearing a hood (robe optional) and blasting 2Pac’s ‘Hail Mary’ in the background, but I guess that was asking for too much. Either way, below is my non-political commentary throughout POTUS’ address provided through a combination of my FB feed posts, live commentary, and random thoughts.
  • I expect shade. I expect petty. ‪#‎LehGo‬ LOL
  • 2ND line in…. Shade. ‪#‎StartedEarly‬ (Re: POTUS’ line about folks needing to get back to Iowa and his availability to give tips/advice.) 
  • Who’s church mother is this next to Jill Biden in her Easter outfit? I need answers. ‪#‎SOTU‬ (Luvvie provided them. Thanks!) <She looks like her middle name is ‘Mae’>
  • Paul Ryan REFUSES to allow his face to move. It’s like the GOP has banned any emotional reaction to anything the POTUS says.
  • ‪#‎ClimateControlShade‬ – “…If anybody still wants to dispute the science around climate change, have at it. You’ll be pretty lonely.” lol”
  • 1. Income & Economic Equality; 2. Education; 3. Climate Change; NOW >> 4. Foreign Policy…. ‪#‎SOTU‬
  • OH!!!!! Now all the heads of the military wanna stand up???? #petty ‪#‎SOTU‬
  • GOP won’t even clap for shit they agree with. ‪#‎childish‬ ‪#‎WhySoPetty‬ ‪#‎SOTU‬ lol
  • ‪#‎AskOsamaBinLaden‬ ‪#‎ClapbackSeason‬ ‪#‎LASTSOTU‬
  • Aye! Ryan just gave us a head nod! This is progress. More than we’ve gotten in 8 years from Boehner.
  • #Message “It’s the lesson of Vietnam. it’s the lesson of Iraq and we should have learned it by now.” -POTUS ‪#‎SOTU‬
  • CSPAN has the shadiest camera men. Lmao! ‪#‎SOTU‬
  • “Did someone just yell ‘Preach’?” (I heard it…. I’m telling you I heard it.)
  • “Who is this lady standing in agreeance? This is not church ma’am.”
  • Who invited the anti-marriage equality lady? And why did they ONLY tell her to wear her absolute finest sweater from Ross Dress For Less? #shade
  • I mean…. I feel for Congress. this is like the LONGEST staff meeting ever. and you gotta do it once a year. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I’ve dozed off once or twice. LOL ‪#‎SOTU‬
  • We just got a clap from Paul Ryan. This much progress in one evening… gives me hope.
  • “POTUS and Uncle Joe look like they’re going to have the greatest party ever when they leave that White House. And Jill will be with them…. never forget she wore knee boots to the first inauguration. That one knows how to party & I respect it.
  • We can’t take Trevor Noah ANYWHERE! #STOU
  • But the REAL winner of tonight…. With the fashionable slay…. ‪#‎FLOTUS‬ – you see her. Lol
  • I wanted POTUS to walk out with Back2Back playing in the background…‪#‎TooMuch‬ ??
Jokes aside…. I feel a level of responsibility in wrapping this up the right way. So allow me 2 quick points and then I’m gone.
  1. A friend brought up a REALLY great point which is that these responses to the State of the Union address need to stop and that is a note for BOTH sides. What is the point or the purpose in it? I mean really? That’s like the CEO giving an address on their vision for your company and then the Chairman of the Board of Directors saying, “That’s cute, but….”. Because really… I DON’T CARE. Because really I just want BOTH OF YALL to make sure my check comes through ON TIME. Whatever and however you need to work together to do it… make it happen. Your personal beefs and opinions… keep them.
  2. And also…. Nikki Haley. WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE. Every single time she uses that “child of immigrants in the South” line I cannot help but to roll my eyes. She looks like she’s been passing her whole life – rejected all of her melanin and her identity.SHE GOES BY NIKKI HALEY. Someone else said it best when they commented: And now for the Grand Old Party response from South Carolina Governor, Nimrata Randhawa, or as she now identifys, Nikki Haley.” That was shade in case you are wondering, but it is also fact. If you are trolling for POC, 1stGen, or immigrant votes – you will have to do better, ma’am. You deal with folks misspelling and verbally destroying your God-given name like the rest of us or I have no time for you and your antics.
If you missed the 2016 SOTU you can read POTUS’ full speech HERE or watch it on YouTube. Yes, it is long, but if this was some stripper’s Twitter tale of her weekend in Tampa on Twitter you’d make the time…. so make the time now.
But really FLOTUS slayed though. It is important to me that yall get that. Check her Evolution of Slay below/above/where ever he puts the picture… YOU SEE HER
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– Tina

7 Jan – { New Year, New Us Looking Mug }

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The writers here at Kennethology wanted to do something different than what we did last year “25 Things That Need to Stay in 2014” – and although we troll everyone that makes resolutions, we felt the need to share ours for this year of great expectations.

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From Tina:

1. To be petty as possible. This is an enhancement on last year’s midyear goal to give up being the bigger person. i’m not making an intentional decision to be as petty as humanely possible at my own discretion.
2. I resolve to not give white folks a break. i’mm burn a candle for your tears.
3. Say no to fkc boys. (As noted last year, this is a lifelong recurring rule)
— this year… I shall also terrorize them. Because…. See #1
4. Be better with my money. And by be better I mean – spend it how I want even if that means I blow $200 on tacos. Shut up. Lol
5. I resolve to force Kenneth to fix his fkcing memory. It got worse last year. How that is possible… Only the devil knows.
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From Sydney:
1.  I resolve to kick more small children that I see wylin the fawk out in grocery stores. If their parents won’t discipline them, I feel it is my duty to step in. I might even buy a cape. No mask though. I want them to remember my face. No Child Left Without their Behind whooped. Selah.
2.  I resolve to hold my purse tighter around white men and to yell “Unclean” and point at then whilst doing it. You know…to be fair. I like fair.
3.  I resolve to eat more animals. All things that had a parent. I’m trying to build lean muscle and most wild animals are great in protein. I know most vegetarians and vegans will place 1000 poxes on my house for this, which is fine, as long as they also are high in protein.
4.  Lastly, I resolve to break every mirror in Ken’s house, including his phone. He still takes too many selfies and I blame these drunk ass mirrors who keep pumping his already monstrous head up. We get it muffoccur, you swole. Shit
Tina’s commentary on Sydney’s resolution:  “Maybe because his memory sucks…. And he forgets that he just took a selfie 5 mins ago. Like goldfish…”
Sydney’s response to Tina’s commentary on her resolution:  “Dude. He stay on selfie lol

Blowing me. Nobody forgot how you looked. ‘Cept maybe your bad memory having ass…”
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From Kenneth:  
1.  Take way more selfies – the people need to know how I look.  I know I have a John Salley-Miguel Nunez type face…but I’ve learned to love this long face – and I want others to love it too.  Trust me, the people want this.
2.  Get more sleep that is not induced by ZzzQuil – even though on the bottle it says it’s non-habit forming…what I find is addictive is the sleep that comes from the drug…but NOT the drug itself…so I’m good.
3.  Wear way more black.
4.  Sculpt a Michael B. Jordanesque type body…Kenny Creed what they call me.  I would join a boxing gym and box…but the notion of sparring and someone knocking me out might get them shot.  Because black-on-black violence.
5.  Seek clinical help regarding my horrific memory.  It has gotten worse – and it’s to the point i barely even care.  I don’t remember and I don’t care…which is horrible.
6. Not only listen to more – but actually embody the essence of the ratchet music I listen to.
– Kenneth

4. Jan – { Melanin Enriched Dynamite and the Short Fuses That Ignite Them }

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From the micro-aggressive actions and nuances built into the everyday actions of insensitive non-poc …to the obnoxiously overt actions of the government, legal system and law enforcement towards the blacks…I feel that this year it’s going to be a “new year, new us” kind of thing going on.  My close circle of friends (shout-out to the “Willows” and to my “Brother of the Realm” are already on it this year with the immediate calling out of BS in everyday situations.  Our fuses are short and we’re very tired of talking about the following things – this is a concise and not complete listing of things that I feel will get someone cussed out – or worse.

  • funky attitudes towards us from white people based on our color
  • whites acting like we’re the criminals when they’ve been the most savage of all humans since civilization with the colonization of other nations, raping and pillaging and spreading disease for the cause expansion and manifest destiny.
  • tears
  • cultural appropriation
  • perpetuating the “angry black woman” myth
  • mispronouncing our names
  • supporting white american terrorists (i.e. school and theatre shooters and the current oregon sitch with the terrorist militia)
  • killing us and getting off scott free (reference cops)
  • prison industrial complex (new slavery)
  • systematic oppression
  • touching our hair, or inappropriate comments about our hair
  • dabbing
  • not seasoning food
  • letting don lemon speak
  • saying the “n” word….we can say it – you can’t …shut up and get over it

I honestly believe that if the killings continue – above all of these things listed that the community will explode.  The fuse is short.  We’re already lit.

  • Kenneth