Written from a hole. Cramped in a shell…I have to pour these words somewhere in order to create more room for chaos.
The numbness that is typically reserved for those deserving, has spread to others and without intention. A recognized need for self-care and mental and emotional attention is before me…but knowing the mud, blood, and filth that awaits in the journey of healing – combined with a deep falling in order to climb back up is not something to look forward to. But to climb out of this hole, and be able to look down into it…with the worms, dark secrets and pieces of self would be a major summit in a minor life.
The reclusiveness that is reserved for blunt trauma is upon me, as a cold wet blanket and as much as i want to talk and reach out, i want to be left alone to lay. In my walking coma. Amongst others. Smiling. The darkness that is growing that I try to kill with matches, burn my fingers. The soft scent of smoke comforts me as something familiar and finite. I want to get lost in music…in heavy bass-lines and mood-shifting chord progressions. No one has played the music I long to hear. No one has spoken the words i long to hear.
Written from a hole, deep in my sole. Cramped in a shell. I have poured words here. And now more chaos is here.
My first attempt to collect thoughts regarding our current racial temperature. This may seem like incoherent rambling…but whatever.
What in the hell is going on? The season for strange fruit to blossom is upon us. It’s been a long time since nationally and internationally strange fruit…or rather the bodies of beautiful black people have been on display for all to see – and without consequence to the farmer of said fruit. In times past this method was used to instill fear in the black community…as to say “this too, can happen to you – nigger”
..but the response of this generation is anger and not fear. It is increasingly hard to trust white people. Especially after you’ve called some friends, broke bread with them, hugged them as familly – and in the midst of all of this racial turmoil, the black community is at unrest and is continually appalled that our white friends would side with those that kill us – quoting skewed stats, irrelevant points and a compliant rhetoric. It makes us blacks as a whole completely untrustworthy of the white community. There have been about 3 or 4 that have written me and checked on me to see if I’m ok, and have empathized with what’s going today – as they know I’m not only in pain..but unsure about my safety, my life and my families lives as well. AND I HAVE HELLA “WHITE FRIENDS” (or at least I thought I did) – don’t worry…I’m paying attention.
I am not against police, even though since i can remember I have feared them. The world is now seeing what we’ve been saying our entire lives – and it STILL DOESN’T MATTER. Video evidence that get people put in jail – is not enough to classify a cop as a murderer. It’s like we can’t question the system – solely because this system is the norm, and people don’t see anything wrong with it. I liken it to the slave being punished for running away…surely is the nigger’s fault that we hang him because of this and NOT the system. Of course they deserved to get dogs and hoses – this diner is for whites, the blacks should comply and just eat where niggers are supposed to eat…it is not that Jim Crow legislation is of satan himself and the system is wrong …..COPS KILLING BLACKS AT AN ALARMING AND UNEQUAL RATE? – SURELY THE NIGGERS ARE NON-COMPLIANT AND SHOULD JUST LISTEN TO THE….OH WAIT…PHILANDO.
When I converse with whites about what’s going on- or see them on social media. I compare them to the whites that just walked by the nigger as they hung from the tree, leaning to the side a little so the feet won’t touch them. I see you. Remain silent as we scream murder and wet the streets with rivers of tears. PLEASE continue to act like this isn’t going on. I see you.
We are here –
…and as Jesse said – “it’s time to restructure their function and ours”
I’ve known this woman for over 15 years…she’s finishing her doctorate – and I remember when she first started rapping…to hear what she’s doing now is extremely impressive – she epitomizes BLACK GIRL MAGIC…
I’m honored that she calls me her big brother….
Here’s her latest record “BLACK GIRL MAGIC”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you…Shae Loren
Me: Tell me about “Limeade”
Her: Limeade is a project created by Fredericksburg, Virginia based producer Ayo Jaí. The project is a follow up to his Jaí album, the first compilation that he produced sampling Beyonce’s self titled 2013 album. This project, Limeade, samples her Lemonade album and showcases lyricism from several Fredericksburg, Virginia
Me: What influenced you to do this song?
Her: Ntozake Shange inspired me to do this song, Nikki Giovanni inspired me to do this song, Nina Simone, Queen Latifah, Ma Rainey, Bell Hooks, My mother, my mother’s mother, my unborn daughter- every woman in the fiber of my being inspired me to do this song. I inspired me to do this song. Black girl magic is a celebration of self, it is also a cultural nod to every black woman who ever existed whose specs of melanin are in my skin and whose coils spring from my scalp. In celebrating me I embrace, caress, empower and praise the existence of what I represent- a species of fearless, unapologetic, resilient, loving, nurturing, brave, everlasting creatures. The black woman is God herself.
Me: What’s your sickest bar on the record?
Her: My sickest bar on the record to me is “the universe lives in my pussy if you are not certain I’m fire we don’t match homie” To me this bar encompasses a lot in a few words. It would be a dissertation if I went into it, but in short I’m saying everything that exists in the world, every atom, every molecule, every flower, every smile, love, worship, spirit and all things in opposition dwells in the place where life begins – the garden of Eden- genisis. And owning that it exists in my divine space gives me full power and control over the universe. I hope every woman can walk with this kind of power. The saying goes “there is power in the pussy” and it always has a highly sexual connotation- thats marginal compared to what the power is really about. It’s not about pleasure it’s about purpose. It’s about understanding that Gods will cannot go forth without it. And If you don’t believe I have this power and you are a woman, you can’t believe you have it and we don’t match. Furthermore if you are male and you don’t believe it we can’t be a match because you don’t fully comprehend Gods majesty when you see it.
Me: Who are your influences and why?
Her: My mom- she’s the first representatin of God in my life.
Awesome day to those gentlemen worldwide that decided not to pull-out …whatever your reason was….lol!
I’m getting hella text messages from people wishing me a happy father’s day…some of them telling me why they believe I’m a good dad. Most of them, I honestly don’t know who they are…I’m just tired of responding with a “new phone who dis” message.
I thank all of those that wished me a happy daddy day – but honestly true fatherhood can be down-right scary. I would imagine that motherhood would be the same. You just don’t want to get it wrong you know? In my specific case of fatherhood, I have 2 very talented and gifted young boys that are aware of themselves and their surroundings. So there’s little wiggle room for error without one of them having an honest conversation on how you need to do better as a person, and a parent. A they get older – the realization of how much of an a-hole I am is witnesses daily through their actions and responses to the general public. I don’t know how to NOT be who i am. I can only mitigate their level of douche-baggery with making sure they love people, and love doing things for people. Hopefully that’ll balance them out. We’ll definitely see.
I love those awkward moments when you get mad at them for doing things that you do – but you know they got it honestly, so you’re really not in a position to say anything because you know you’re just as horrible as they are…..BUT you say something anyway because you’re dad. I heard my dad say it best – one day he apologized to me for not being as good of a dad as he nows thinks he should’ve been..he said “Son, I’m sorry..but as you were growing as my son…I was growing as a dad, and i was constantly met with new things daily, very challenging things…..not like you came with a manual” I respected him so much for that and it taught me a lot as I was just entering the realm of fatherdom.
LeBron is a huge worm.
Like…big enough for people to be like “maaaaan, that’s a huge worm” – but not enough to be concerned with. Look, I’m a coach – and probably the most brilliant coach to ever live. With that being said my assessment of Lebron Orenthal James is pretty solid. He just uses blunt force to bully his way to the basket – and when teams crowd the basket to attempt to slow him down – he dishes. It’s simple basketball. He’s an amazing athlete but he’s still a huge worm. There are other players that are killers, the players that can be likened to crazy animals that kill people for fun with no remorse – animals like sharks, lions, tigers, pit bulls, and white people. Animals that smell blood and kill the weak. LeBron is not built like that. With some people you can tell that something is not in them – like….if i were to compare it to hanging out with him – I wouldn’t hit the streets with him….at all. He would be the dude that ran if someone rushed you and the squad. He would be trey in the backseat of the car “Let me out” face….. He’s not O-Dogg, He’s not Bishop …He’s Deangelo Barksdale, Eddie Winslow, Theo Huxtable.
He completely disappears when he’s needed…well, there was that ONE game when he snapped for 25 in the 4th quarter against the Pistons about 94 years ago. He travels uncontrollably, feels like he’s entitled, and is simply a WORM…a big WORM.
Kobe, the last great killer in the animal kingdom…Mr. Black Mamba himself was asked who has the torch next – he said Steph and Clay…you don’t mention worms when talking about predators. Kobe said they were stone cold killers, and could be counted on at the end of games. Daaaaaaaaaang Kobe.
In closing, shut up.
Lebron is good – a good all around player, a great all around player…but he’s not one to bring his team to the next level to win a ring. I mean, you see where he had to take his talents in order to get the rings he has now.
*Donald Trump Shrugs