1.Oct – { Expensive Free Thought } with Sydney Charles: “Crazy?”

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You mean it’s okay to be crazy?

Yes, it is okay to be “crazy?” You see that’s what’s wrong with the African-American community. We don’t embrace the idea of it actually being a mental ILLNESS…that means you’re sick, that means you need help to get better, that means you need a doctor, maybe some medicine. But no, we are so quick to run to the closet to get that belt or that shoe that leans slightly to the right, to beat some “act right” into our children (Don’t get me wrong, some of them do need a good sound beating from time to time, especially the ones who listen to Chief Keef, I digress).

It is real out here…it is a chemical imbalance… it’s biological…there is a misfiring of brain synapses…there may need to be a change in the diet and environment that you are in. It’s not you just being sad or angry or emotionally unbalanced. It is a daily struggle to sometimes get out of bed, to focus on one thought at a time, to not freak out going to the mailbox. But don’t let anyone know because then it is “oh you let the Devil get a foothold on your life” or “Your faith is weak” or “Oh you must not be tithing”. I don’t see what any of these things have to do with the level of serotonin being produced in my body. But if me giving an extra $20 in the offering plate will help me from crying uncontrollably when I don’t have my Xanax refilled then sure., I’ll try it. Why not?

Do you see people of the Caucasian persuasion running to the belt or the prayer cloth when depression or bi-polar or ADHD hits? Maybe, if they are from below the Mason-Dixie line, but NO! They go to the damn doctor, they get a therapist, they acknowledge that they have a problem and the go get help.  You say the word disorder in our community and automatically you are put on the list of “America’s Next Top Crackheads”.

Let me give you a list of things mental illness does NOT necessarily mean:

1) You will not see the average person who struggles doing the Gangham Style dance on the Dan Ryan Expressway (there may be two rebels though)
2) You will not see the average person talking to themselves, unless they are trying to figure out if they left the iron on, which tends to happen a lot.
3) There will be no climbing of telephone poles naked. Well, maybe in Wrigleyville, but that’s just a regular Saturday night. (Note to the City of Chicago, maybe you wanna get some airborne Xanax and handle that situation)
4) Guns…knives…spears…okay, on a bad day, you might want to keep those away. Not gonna lie on that one.

Just wanted to give you a different perspective…help you understand…not be afraid…most of the time people with mental illness just want to be heard…or talk…or held…not judged or feared.
Except the ones who work at the post office…don’t mess with them.

22.Sep { Expensive Free Thought } with Sydney Charles – “Don’t Drink and Drake”

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Don’t Drink and Drake

As a woman who tends to fancy herself men who are generally classified as ruffnecks, I have grown from merely tolerating the music of the confused Canadian to despising it with most of the fibers of my being. I have left some fibers to hate Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj, and Turkey bacon.

Nevertheless, most of my hate at this time is reserved for Drake. Yes Drake, our beloved DeGrassi High star confined to a wheelchair. We should have paid more attention to the signs then. His voice, ever so soft, softer than clouds wrapped in down feathers wrapped in ballerina tutus. His hairline reaching and escalating to his curly black hair… His never ending quest to be accepted as one of the regular and cool kids. Needless to say, perhaps this wasn’t such a stretch or challenge in acting. Clearly, this is this fool’s real life.

I’m going to need Drake’s to man up. I’m going to need him to play football, I’m going to need him to drink more whiskey, I’m going to need his balls to drop. No grown man should be crying this much on a song…no change that, in life. It is okay to be in touch with your emotions and feelings, but why do you have to go into a closet and cry about it in every Damn song. And then you have the audacity to put it on wax and sell it to the masses.

Is this really the state of Hip-hop? Half singing and whining on songs? Drake has to be the distant nephew of Keith Sweat. Or the Love child of Howard Hewitt and Babyface.  You can’t tell me any different. Now yes, I know what you’re thinking, didn’t LL Cool J make songs about love and such? Yes, but LL doesn’t look like a velociraptor with a lacefront wig. At least LL is attractive.

Now Drake is making it bad out here for all light skinned men everywhere. Now people think all you fair skinned brothers want to do is cry over organs and violins playing in the background while LeBron James holds you wiping your tears with silk handkerchiefs and you cry together and fall asleep spooning. I know this is not the case for 75% of ya’ll. That other 25% is shaky. I’m just saying.

So go ahead, keep buying Drake’s albums, crying in the dark, thinking of old ex girlfriends, drinking Remy Martin with a Moscato chaser. All that’s gonna happen is you’re going to hit her up and she is going to laugh at your goofy a** for quoting the little boy who went to Canadian Jewish School…at least that’s what I would do.

10.Sep – { Expensive Free Thought } with Sydney Charles: THOTs

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And now Steel Reserve has introduced flavored beer…My God! Look how far we have come…these people even have their own juice…I remember the days of them just having to walk around with a scarlet A pinned to their chest…and now look at the strides made for these promiscuous trollops. Let me back up…I need to start over.  Today’s piece is dedicated to the urban colloquialism: THOT.  Many of you may be unaware as to what exactly a THOT is…well, allow me to explain.  African-Americans are notorious for trying to find ways to shorten common verbiage into acronyms or code words so that the person being talked about is unaware of the insults being thrown their way.  I am inclined to believe that this word was created at a nightclub of some sort. Some irate female saw an old classmate dancing violently (and/or twerking) on every male in the club…hence “THOT” was created. “Look at her, she only had like 2 glasses of Barefoot Moscato and now she is all turnt up and being messy…ol THOT a**.”

 THOT:

That H** Out There, That H** Over There, These H***Out There, The H** Of Today, The H** of Town, Thirsty H** Out There…As one can clearly see, the words are interchangeable, nevertheless, the meaning and anger associated which each changes naught.

Do you need examples of THOTs? Of course you do, Most people are visual learners. I would be remiss if I didn’t provide a connection for you.

Average THOT

Hoodrat

May or may not have a job, but always finds a way to own a Louis Vuitton belt or scarf and thinks she is doing it while sipping on that 6.99 bottle of Yellow Tail or Cook’s or Andre’s Cold Duck. She is often heard saying, “Ooooh, I ain’t even know him like that to be getting into his car, but oh well”…get it girl *side eye*.

Celebrity THOT

RihannaTHOTTaylorTHOTKImKThot

You thought their celebrity status would save them from the name calling? No, these are THOTs whose Jezebel ways are often masked by their money and talent (or lack there of)…but we see you ladies…Nobody wants to talk about how often you change your sheets due to your active lifestyle, but we know…OH yes, we know.

Male THOT

lil-wayne-birdman

Any man that looks or dresses like this is guaranteed to be A THOT. You may even hear the following words come out of his mouth, “Man, I ain’t even into wine and shat like that, but I fawks with Moscado (I’m aware I misspelled it, it is for effect), or “Aye Jo! Have you had those Lime-A-Ritas, dem shats get you right fool”.

I hope this short discussion has provided you with enough information to be able to use THOT in your daily conversation.  It is not just reserved for those in the African-American community.  You see, this delicate word transcends all race, gender, and sexual orientation lines…use it for your trifling cousin who has 5 different baby daddies, use it for that co-worker you always see wiping his/her mouth after a bathroom visit, use it for that best friend who you love but you just can’t deal with their embarrassing and sexually dangerous choices…We all know a THOT or two, and if you are offended by this piece, the THOT might be you…

*cue Michael Jackson singing the end of “Remember the Time”, Thot thot thot thot thot..on the phone you and me…thot thot, what about us!?!?!?!?*

5.Sep { Expensive Free Thought } with Sydney Charles: “Cuffing Season”

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Cuffing Season

Let the games begin! It is that time of year again.Summer has unofficially ended. You may have seen your last rooftop party and you definitely just packed away your all white outfit with the stubborn BBQ sauce stain that you won’t address until next summer. You have lived, drank, flirted, and been on a number of Sunday Funday dates and outings. And now you have looked up and realized, that it is September … football starts, hockey is around the corner, and basketball is on the way and yet, YOU’RE SINGLE!

Awwwwwww shat! In the midst of all your good times, you forgot to pick your fall and or winter boo thang. It is about to get cold outside and you have no one to do anything with. Netflix and Madden can only keep you preoccupied for so long. Don’t worry, you still have some time. Now I’m not about to regurgitate things that you already know about this sacred mating time, however I will give you a few tips on what NOT to do.

1) Don’t go through your phone and text the person you saved as ”Red Line Mike” or “Tiffany from Checkers drive thru”. You haven’t even hit this person up since you got their number. You might get cussed out or you might get a brand new stalker. This is not a viable option.

2) Do not go on Facebook looking for your crush from high school or college. Uncross your fingers. Chances are either they are married or now they are super busted…or both. That super thick chick, now probably looks like the Michelin man. Or the captain of the football team, now looks like the uncle of Chief Keef. In which case, they are looking for an out, and this is not your time to be Captain Save-A… I digress.

3) I know what you’re thinking…shouldn’t I just hit up my ex. Now see, this is touchy because need I remind you that you broke it off to “figure out what you wanted”, when really you just wanted to be a Summer Bunny. And it backfired and now you feel more like a Scattered summer Cockroach, frantically trying to move about and find sanctuary. So, go ahead and call, text, poke…but be prepared that you may get ignored or have a subliminal FB post about how thirsty you are or how ain’t nobody got time for that.

Thing is, you have about a month and a half to get it together. After that last Halloween party, the jig is up. So ladies, keep shaving those legs. Fellas, keep…I don’t know what you have to do…pretty much nothing, ain’t that about a…

2.Sep – { Expensive Free Thought } with Sydney Charles “Twerk Miley Twerk

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Twerk Miley Twerk

Sooooooo, yeah about this whole twerking thing.  Are we really this enamored by it America? I mean I saw this topic on CNN last week…CNN!?!?!?!? First, they reported of the tragedy in Syria and then the next major story was about Miley Cyrus and her twerking with Robin Thicke (which I have decided he looked like the love child of the Riddler and Beetlejuice on the MTV awards, but I digress). Where were you in 1998? Because that’s when I first became aware of it…and it has probably, most likely, undoubtedly has been in existence since the infamous Freaknic gatherings in Atlanta of Black History yore (please YouTube these gatherings and/or “Whistle While You Twerk” by the now defunct Ying Yang Twins).

Now all of a sudden everyone is hypnotized by the non-movement of the lower extremities of clearly cracked out Miley Cyrus (who I am certain Billy Ray is soon to disown). She ain’t even twerking (yes I said ain’t)…she is swaying in the wind like a battered and torn flag of surrender. Sit down chile. You see for something to twerk, something has to move, there is no movement of thigh or glute or lower back to carefully control all gloriously natural, non-choreographed movements.  She is a disgrace to all twerkers and professionals of late night pole mastery everywhere. If I was a stripper…I would create a union to protect this sacred art form and those who abuse it, MILEY, should be sued or thrown in prison….I’m aware of the extremes of my options, you can unscrunch your face now.

Twerking is reserved for those who know when and how to properly use it. Not lost ex Disney stars trying to find their place in the world or lame white sorority or swim team girls upside down on walls. So Miley girl…young Hannah THOTanna (if you don’t know what THOT is, just go to Urban Dictionary), please have an infinity’s worth of seats…away from rappers, and Molly…and the recording studio…and any video recording device…rehab is a nice place for that.