18.Sep – { They Cheered at my Death }

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I didn’t die. lol – otherwise this post would be hella weird.  But I basically did.  This post is about owning your moment.  Celebrating your attention and literally not caring a single ounce about what anyone thinks about you.  Gather around I have a story to tell about something that happened to me yesterday – listen up, this is good.

We had a promotion ceremony for our newly minted Chief’s.  Almost the whole ship was there.  For those that are Navy-illiterate, an aircraft carrier has a couple of thousand people  onboard.  Yeah, almost all of them were there.  The bleachers were filled will Sailors and down on the floor there were chairs set up for family, friends and etc…I wanted to be close to the action so I went to the floor seats.  Our Commanding Officer got up to give his speech – and I’m his Exec so I was listening attentively…then all of a sudden…

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(this was me minus about a hunnit pounds and way more melanin)

My chair collapsed into about 29 pieces and I was flat on my back, looking up at the rafters.  It sounded like a gun-shot…. and then it got silent.  As I was laying flat on my back …I knew I had about 3 seconds to OWN MY MOMENT.  I then yelled “Sir…I’m alright!” …everyone erupted in laughter – tear-jerking laughter.  Some were laughing with me, and some at me – And i didn’t care at all.  I stood up like i was gladiator at the colosseum, lifted one hand in the air, waved to the people…took a bow, kicked the broken chair out of the way..pulled up another chair and sat down….as if nothing had happened.

Afterwards many people came to me laughing – but talked about how they would’ve just died if they would’ve gone through the same thing.  Some are quoted in saying “man, you even make breaking and falling in a chair in front of hundreds of people look cool” … I just owned the moment.

In life you can crumble in those moments – or seize them.  I got my big dumb self up off of that floor and rose up like i had done something monumental and awesome, and the people should be grateful to have witnessed someone of my stature break a chair like a proud fat boy.

  • when they cheer at your death, raise from the dead and kill them like a real zombie would

11.Sep { Gay Dad’s that aren’t Gay }

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Some male social media users said they find an adult son being physically close to his father “unnatural.

Recently some pictures of a loving father and son laying down together made some men very uncomfy.  Tragic.

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As you can see in the picture above – captioned “18 years later and he’s still under my arm” …this father has always been close to his son, they love each other.  In this fragile masculine, patriarchal construct that exists today – the notion of a man not doing manly things just shatters the very foundation of some men.  Perhaps I find nothing wrong with this photo because my dad till this day plants big sloppy kisses on my forehead and tells me how much he loves me, and if wanted to…I could lay up under him all damn day.  And Big KB (my dad) is one of the manliest men that has ever manned!  Cars, motorcycles, engines, hunting, camping, trucks, boats, guns, beef jerky, plumbing, carpentry and muscles = my dad.  I assume the list above is what makes a man….idk, I’m still trying to figure that out.

This jaded sense of knowing what “men do” causes way more harm than you think.  It trickles into other areas and stifles the potential for great friendships.  I have several gay male friends – some closer than others…history has shown that my very own sexuality comes into question just from the mere association with gay men.  How can a heterosexual man that is 1000% turned on by women be that cool with gay dudes?  He gotta be gay fam…

EASY, because I know who i am….lol.

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I think the that the men that are extremely concerned with things that don’t look manly – are men that are having problems with their own identity.  They can’t work out in their mind feelings that they may have – so they project and judge in order to not be positioned in a place where anyone would call into question their “manhood”

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I kiss my sons, hug my sons, and they definitely lay on me.  If you feel differently, then go create you some john deer juniors that have severe relational issues and can’t gauge whether or not their dad loves them.  I have no doubt in my mind that mine does, and my sons won’t either – because we have a father-son intimacy that goes beyond some idiots ability to comprehend love.

  • Kenneth

15.Aug – { Words to Welcome Chaos }

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Written from a hole. Cramped in a shell…I have to pour these words somewhere in order to create more room for chaos.

The numbness that is typically reserved for those deserving, has spread to others and without intention.  A recognized need for self-care and mental and emotional attention is before me…but knowing the mud, blood,  and filth that awaits in the journey of healing – combined with a deep falling in order to climb back up is not something to look forward to.  But to climb out of this hole, and be able to look down into it…with the worms, dark secrets and pieces of self would be a major summit in a minor life.

The reclusiveness that is reserved for blunt trauma is upon me, as a cold wet blanket and as much as i want to talk and reach out, i want to be left alone to lay.  In my walking coma.  Amongst others.  Smiling.  The darkness that is growing that I try to kill with matches, burn my fingers.  The soft scent of smoke comforts me as something familiar and finite.  I want to get lost in music…in heavy bass-lines and mood-shifting chord progressions.  No one has played the music I long to hear.  No one has spoken the words i long to hear.

Written from a hole, deep in my sole.  Cramped in a shell.  I have poured words here.  And now more chaos is here.

  • Kenneth

11.Jul – { Kenneth’s Words on Black }

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My first attempt to collect thoughts regarding our current racial temperature. This may seem like incoherent rambling…but whatever.

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What in the hell is going on?  The season for strange fruit to blossom is upon us.  It’s been a long time since nationally and internationally strange fruit…or rather the bodies of beautiful black people have been on display for all to see – and without consequence to the farmer of said fruit.  In times past this method was used to instill fear in the black community…as to say “this too, can happen to you – nigger”

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..but the response of this generation is anger and not fear.  It is increasingly hard to trust white people.  Especially after you’ve called some friends, broke bread with them, hugged them as familly – and in the midst of all of this racial turmoil, the black community is at unrest and is continually appalled that our white friends would side with those that kill us – quoting skewed stats, irrelevant points and a compliant rhetoric.  It makes us blacks as a whole completely untrustworthy of the white community.  There have been about 3 or 4 that have written me and checked on me to see if I’m ok, and have empathized with what’s going today – as they know I’m not only in pain..but unsure about my safety, my life and my families lives as well.  AND I HAVE HELLA “WHITE FRIENDS”  (or at least I thought I did) – don’t worry…I’m paying attention.

I am not against police, even though since i can remember I have feared them.  The world is now seeing what we’ve been saying our entire lives – and it STILL DOESN’T MATTER.  Video evidence that get people put in jail – is not enough to classify a cop as a murderer.  It’s like we can’t question the system – solely because this system is the norm, and people don’t see anything wrong with it.  I liken it to the slave being punished for running away…surely is the nigger’s fault that we hang him because of this and NOT the system.  Of course they deserved to get dogs and hoses – this diner is for whites, the blacks should comply and just eat where niggers are supposed to eat…it is not that Jim Crow legislation is of satan himself and the system is wrong …..COPS KILLING BLACKS AT AN ALARMING AND UNEQUAL RATE? – SURELY THE NIGGERS ARE NON-COMPLIANT AND SHOULD JUST LISTEN TO THE….OH WAIT…PHILANDO. 

When I converse with whites about what’s going on- or see them on social media.  I compare them to the whites that just walked by the nigger as they hung from the tree, leaning to the side a little so the feet won’t touch them.  I see you.  Remain silent as we scream murder and wet the streets with rivers of tears.  PLEASE continue to act like this isn’t going on.  I see you.

We are here – 

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…and as Jesse said – “it’s time to restructure their function and ours”

  • Kenneth

 

19.Jun – { Father’s Day Postage }

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Awesome day to those gentlemen worldwide that decided not to pull-out …whatever your reason was….lol!

I’m getting hella text messages from people wishing me a happy father’s day…some of them telling me why they believe I’m a good dad.  Most of them, I honestly don’t know who they are…I’m just tired of responding with a “new phone who dis” message.

I thank all of those that wished me a happy daddy day – but honestly true fatherhood can be down-right scary.  I would imagine that motherhood would be the same.  You just don’t want to get it wrong you know?  In my specific case of fatherhood, I have 2 very talented and gifted young boys that are aware of themselves and their surroundings.  So there’s little wiggle room for error without one of them having an honest conversation on how you need to do better as a person, and a parent.  A they get older – the realization of how much of an a-hole I am is witnesses daily through their actions and responses to the general public.  I don’t know how to NOT be who i am.  I can only mitigate their level of douche-baggery with making sure they love people, and love doing things for people.  Hopefully that’ll balance them out.  We’ll definitely see.

I love those awkward moments when you get mad at them for doing things that you do – but you know they got it honestly, so you’re really not in a position to say anything because you know you’re just as horrible as they are…..BUT you say something anyway because you’re dad.  I heard my dad say it best – one day he apologized to me for not being as good of a dad as he nows thinks he should’ve been..he said “Son, I’m sorry..but as you were growing as my son…I was growing as a dad, and i was constantly met with new things daily, very challenging things…..not like you came with a manual”  I respected him so much for that and it taught me a lot as I was just entering the realm of fatherdom.

  • Kenneth

 

 

25.Mar – { Yeah I Saw Your Text…..And? }

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Happy whatever day you’re reading this day.

Haven’t posted since January because I was on a mission to achieve some professional milestones – needless to say, those milestones were met!  So now i can continue with regularly scheduled pettiness.

(click this and listen to it while you read this)

Today I’d like to address the nonsense that fills my inbox/DMs/text messages on a pretty consistent basis.  And i know that i pretty much speak for most people when i say this.

If you text me..or FB inbox me and i don’t respond in the time-frame that you’ve mentally created without my consent…don’t bring that heat to me in the form of a nonsensical inquisition as if i owe you an explanation as to why i haven’t responded.  

IN SHORT:  I AIN’T WANT TO.

Years ago I had a moment of liberation when i noticed how people literally JUMP to answer their phones…sometimes running to answer it in fear of missing a call (now if you’re anticipating an important call…thats one thing) but this is not that.  This is us either being thirsty for contact, or just personifying pavlov’s dog.  So i made the decision there to not answer my phone sometimes when people called…which then turned into reading people’s messages and just not responding right away.  I respond when i want.  Thats the beauty of preferring texts over phone calls too…I’m not stuck on the phone forcing a conversation that I’ve probably lost interest in at the 00:21 second mark of the call (to absolutely NO fault to the caller)…..*ahem.

***please note – if you’re ever on the phone with me..and i just stop talking…i’m probably over you and the conversation.  nothing personal…just a cold hard truth. Step ya talk game up G.

So….in closing…get over yourself.  I intentionally read people’s fb messages so they can see that I read it – and then NOT respond – because I’m grown and I do what I want…and you probably didn’t say anything to provoke a response from me…

…….sounds like a personal problem to me.

  • Kenneth