14.Jan – { The Platonic Lie }

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I recently took suggestions from readers on topics they wanted to see me word vomit on…and one that caught my attention was “whether or not men and women can be friends” – in a true platonic state.

Bottom Line Up Front:  No, Nope, Nawl, *shakes head no*, gives the thumbs down.

And oddly enough I say this while having women as friends *gasps* – so here we go diving with an uncomfortable level of transparency.

What I mean here, and if I can be extremely frank, is this.  Unless the person is really unattractive to the other then yes – and even in those cases, their personalities begin to look good.  I can only speak from a man’s perspective.  I know women are weird and complex…so they could probably compartmentalize their dealing with men-friends and have this authentic friendship with a man and live in this euphoric platonic state.  But if I may allow my penis to speak for minute…if the woman is attractive, he’s thought about sleeping with her at least 800,476 times (and that’s just today).

(i typed the below in all caps because i’m serious)

IF HE WAS OFFERED SOME SEXY TIME WITH HER…QUITE POSSIBLY WITH ZERO STRINGS ATTACHED (even though we know all of the strings will be attached) HE’S GOING TO SHOW UP TO THE NIGHT SHOW WITH SOMETHING RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE, A CARAFE OF KY, A DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE….AAAAAAND HIS JODECI “BEAT IT UP” MIX CD.

Women, you may not know this to be true because of one or two reasons.

Either:

  1.  He respects you and doesn’t want to cross those lines (without knowing where you are with him…which in essence is just fear of rejection)
  2.  He’s just too scared to ask for sex (because of fear of rejection) ….dang, that fragile masculinity is a trip no?

If you’re having a hard time believing this…..just offer a couple of your male friends some “prime time” – if he says no…he’s lying.  If he says yes…I told you so.  They all want it.

I must say – the only absolute is that there are no absolutes.  The exceptions to this scientific fact are:

  1. you’re ugly
  2. you stank
  3. your personality is beyond horrible
  4. he’s gay
  • Kenneth

7 Jan – { New Year, New Us Looking Mug }

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The writers here at Kennethology wanted to do something different than what we did last year “25 Things That Need to Stay in 2014” – and although we troll everyone that makes resolutions, we felt the need to share ours for this year of great expectations.

Osay.-2

From Tina:

1. To be petty as possible. This is an enhancement on last year’s midyear goal to give up being the bigger person. i’m not making an intentional decision to be as petty as humanely possible at my own discretion.
2. I resolve to not give white folks a break. i’mm burn a candle for your tears.
3. Say no to fkc boys. (As noted last year, this is a lifelong recurring rule)
— this year… I shall also terrorize them. Because…. See #1
4. Be better with my money. And by be better I mean – spend it how I want even if that means I blow $200 on tacos. Shut up. Lol
5. I resolve to force Kenneth to fix his fkcing memory. It got worse last year. How that is possible… Only the devil knows.
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From Sydney:
1.  I resolve to kick more small children that I see wylin the fawk out in grocery stores. If their parents won’t discipline them, I feel it is my duty to step in. I might even buy a cape. No mask though. I want them to remember my face. No Child Left Without their Behind whooped. Selah.
2.  I resolve to hold my purse tighter around white men and to yell “Unclean” and point at then whilst doing it. You know…to be fair. I like fair.
3.  I resolve to eat more animals. All things that had a parent. I’m trying to build lean muscle and most wild animals are great in protein. I know most vegetarians and vegans will place 1000 poxes on my house for this, which is fine, as long as they also are high in protein.
4.  Lastly, I resolve to break every mirror in Ken’s house, including his phone. He still takes too many selfies and I blame these drunk ass mirrors who keep pumping his already monstrous head up. We get it muffoccur, you swole. Shit
Tina’s commentary on Sydney’s resolution:  “Maybe because his memory sucks…. And he forgets that he just took a selfie 5 mins ago. Like goldfish…”
Sydney’s response to Tina’s commentary on her resolution:  “Dude. He stay on selfie lol

Blowing me. Nobody forgot how you looked. ‘Cept maybe your bad memory having ass…”
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From Kenneth:  
1.  Take way more selfies – the people need to know how I look.  I know I have a John Salley-Miguel Nunez type face…but I’ve learned to love this long face – and I want others to love it too.  Trust me, the people want this.
2.  Get more sleep that is not induced by ZzzQuil – even though on the bottle it says it’s non-habit forming…what I find is addictive is the sleep that comes from the drug…but NOT the drug itself…so I’m good.
3.  Wear way more black.
4.  Sculpt a Michael B. Jordanesque type body…Kenny Creed what they call me.  I would join a boxing gym and box…but the notion of sparring and someone knocking me out might get them shot.  Because black-on-black violence.
5.  Seek clinical help regarding my horrific memory.  It has gotten worse – and it’s to the point i barely even care.  I don’t remember and I don’t care…which is horrible.
6. Not only listen to more – but actually embody the essence of the ratchet music I listen to.
– Kenneth

4. Jan – { Melanin Enriched Dynamite and the Short Fuses That Ignite Them }

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From the micro-aggressive actions and nuances built into the everyday actions of insensitive non-poc …to the obnoxiously overt actions of the government, legal system and law enforcement towards the blacks…I feel that this year it’s going to be a “new year, new us” kind of thing going on.  My close circle of friends (shout-out to the “Willows” and to my “Brother of the Realm” are already on it this year with the immediate calling out of BS in everyday situations.  Our fuses are short and we’re very tired of talking about the following things – this is a concise and not complete listing of things that I feel will get someone cussed out – or worse.

  • funky attitudes towards us from white people based on our color
  • whites acting like we’re the criminals when they’ve been the most savage of all humans since civilization with the colonization of other nations, raping and pillaging and spreading disease for the cause expansion and manifest destiny.
  • tears
  • cultural appropriation
  • perpetuating the “angry black woman” myth
  • mispronouncing our names
  • supporting white american terrorists (i.e. school and theatre shooters and the current oregon sitch with the terrorist militia)
  • killing us and getting off scott free (reference cops)
  • prison industrial complex (new slavery)
  • systematic oppression
  • touching our hair, or inappropriate comments about our hair
  • dabbing
  • not seasoning food
  • letting don lemon speak
  • saying the “n” word….we can say it – you can’t …shut up and get over it

I honestly believe that if the killings continue – above all of these things listed that the community will explode.  The fuse is short.  We’re already lit.

  • Kenneth

19.Dec – { Merry Kwanzaa to My Dad’s Underwear }

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I need more “Christmassy” smelling candles, those things are awesome – got the crib smelling like something magical is going to happen…perhaps my legs won’t go numb the next time I’m making yule logs in the office.

This is not a blog post about deuces btw – don’t ask why it started that way.  I’m 12.

I just wanted to give a hearty shout-out to the most wonderful time of the year!  I am the annoying guy at the office that will sing “white-privilege christmas” all year around…OOPS! I meant “white christmas” – I’m so used to writing about racists, that just slipped in there…MY BAD.  Anyway…this time of year is really special to me because it marks a very special time in my childhood when my dad was being a damn dad.  I mean he was daddin’ it up!  Creating some awesome traditions and really working hard to make sure my siblings and I had a great Christmas.  Me and Anjelo (my brother) go from getting boxes of goodwill clothes and living in the projects to my dad covering the living room floor in gifts.  And this by no means is me telling you that my Christmas was awesome because of gifts – it was awesome because of how much my dad stressed family and togetherness.  We used to have Andy Griffith marathons and ate “Jethro Bowls” of cereal, which basically meant we dumped an entire bowl of cereal into the biggest bowl you could find and just went to town on it.  He would acknowledge Kwanzaa, and teach us about different countries in Afrika, all while blasting Master P and playing Tomb Raider…IN HIS UNDERWEAR.  My dad would walk around the crib in his drawls, anytime of the day – and didn’t give a hoot, as to who was over there – if they didn’t like it, then they could STEP!

The week leading up to Christmas would be filled with cookie making, and us making homemade eggnog.  Which till this day I’m still not brave enough to re-enact.  Might end up sending little josh to urgent care.  The night before Christmas we would all camp out on the living room floor, and the first person up was my dad…daddin’ it up…in his damb underwear ( no shirt, or socks might i add ) grinning from ear-to-ear, kissing all of us on our foreheads and playing with us when we opened out toys and video games.  He was just as excited as we were!

I only hope that one that my kids would look back and remember me.  Remember that I wanted nothing more than to create an atmosphere of togetherness, family, and me standing proudly in the middle of the room in my underwear.

No shirt, but of course with socks because my feet….

– Kenneth

16.Dec – { Self-Awareness and the Realization of Your A-Hole Nature }

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Hey Guys!

Been about a month since I’ve written anything.  It’s amazing how much can transpire in a month.  Certain events can take place and your maturation process can be a bit rocky.  I recently had a point of growth, where I realized that I was being a complete jerk to someone that I consider to be one of my best friends in the Milky Way.  But my jerkish behavior wasn’t realized until i made a decision to really see things from their point of view.

The BOTTOM LINE ===> YOU NEED TO BE THE FRIEND THAT THEY NEED YOU TO BE!

Some things had changed in their life, and the dynamic that had existed for years between us was no longer the dynamic that was needed.  Before, we could go months without talking (as is what happens between me and my other best friends) but when we do talk, the conversations were great and we would continue with occasional text messages or phone calls that were usually prompted by an event or milestone.  Well my friend had gone through some pretty life-altering things and the occasional “wattup tho” text wasn’t cutting it anymore.  They tried to get and keep my attention but I didn’t pick up on the signs….then one day we blew up on each other while i was at a kids bday party.  Chirrens running around and I’m spazzing via FB chat, using the recording option because I was too lazy to type my ignorance.  We went awhile without talking.  Now this break in communication bothered me because I knew we weren’t on good terms – I chilled and gave a lot of thought and attention to what they were saying about me.  AND THEY WERE RIGHT!  I wasn’t being a good friend…

In life we need to evaluate how we are relating to those that we consider friends, and even more to those that are our “best” – The onus was on my to hear them, see what friend they needed me to be – and make great effort to change.  The changes will not happen quickly, but transparency with them, and them knowing you’re trying goes a long way.

At this point…my maturation brings me to look at my other relationships with people – and how my a-hole nature is negatively impacting my friendships.

– Kenneth

11.Nov – { Ferguson, Columbia, and Missouri’s Handling of the N*ggers }

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Really?

A little over a year after the murder of Michael Brown, Missouri decided to show it’s hiney again in the way of institutional racism at the University of Missouri (MIZZOU).  BUT, like many blacks across this grand ole country – we’re not here for the BS anymore.  So…in a great peaceful showing of solidarity the coloreds that play on the their beloved football team decided to NOT PLAY until the Chancellor stepped down.  Main reason being…he’s been ignoring them and their claims of racism and injustice on the campus.  So, they SHUT IT DOWN!  Coaches and faculty included.  The blacks followed proper channels, and peacefully protested, just like the whites want us to.

AND EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT…

Now, the domestic terrorist group known as the KKK has sent warnings out the blacks on MIZZOU’s campus – threatening them… this country is gone inches in the journey of progression as it pertains to racism.  INCHES.  This feels like the 60s…i was born in 1980, why do I feel like we’re in the 60s.  Why is the KKK allowed to do anything, march, rally…they’re not different than ISIS or al’Queda – group’s that we’ve identified for killing people and instilling fear to a specific targeted group.

Unfortunately I honestly feel that there will be a race riot of sorts will happen soon.  Because the covert racism has drifted to overt.  And the racist whites are not stopping, and the blacks…we’re tired, and done.

I promise to Malcolm I’m moving out of this country as soon as I get the chance……actually only to experience the reality that black is hated worldwide.

worldwide.