11.Jun – { A Worm’s Place in the Animal Kingdom }

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LeBron is a huge worm.

Like…big enough for people to be like “maaaaan, that’s a huge worm” – but not enough to be concerned with.  Look, I’m a coach – and probably the most brilliant coach to ever live. With that being said my assessment of Lebron Orenthal James is pretty solid.  He just uses blunt force to bully his way to the basket – and when teams crowd the basket to attempt to slow him down – he dishes.  It’s simple basketball.  He’s an amazing athlete but he’s still a huge worm.  There are other players that are killers, the players that can be likened to crazy animals that kill people for fun with no remorse – animals like sharks, lions, tigers, pit bulls, and white people.  Animals that smell blood and kill the weak.  LeBron is not built like that.  With some people you can tell that something is not in them – like….if i were to compare it to hanging out with him – I wouldn’t hit the streets with him….at all.  He would be the dude that ran if someone rushed you and the squad.  He would be trey in the backseat of the car “Let me out” face…..  He’s not O-Dogg, He’s not Bishop …He’s Deangelo Barksdale, Eddie Winslow, Theo Huxtable.

LeBron and Chris playing violin and singing.

LeBron and Chris playing violin and singing.

He completely disappears when he’s needed…well, there was that ONE game when he snapped for 25 in the 4th quarter against the Pistons about 94 years ago.  He travels uncontrollably, feels like he’s entitled, and is simply a WORM…a big WORM.

Kobe, the last great killer in the animal kingdom…Mr. Black Mamba himself was asked who has the torch next – he said Steph and Clay…you don’t mention worms when talking about predators.  Kobe said they were stone cold killers, and could be counted on at the end of games.  Daaaaaaaaaang Kobe.

In closing, shut up.

Lebron is good – a good all around player, a great all around player…but he’s not one to bring his team to the next level to win a ring.  I mean, you see where he had to take his talents in order to get the rings he has now.

*Donald Trump Shrugs

  • Kenneth

15.Dec – { Why Jay Cutler Can’t Be Great }

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so…

I’m sitting here listening to one of my haters (mike) as he mocks me, whilst i blog…he says that I need a deeper v-neck…because my moobs aren’t showing enough.  He’s such a pig…and my moobs aren’t nearly as big as they were about a week ago.

I gathered my manly things to watch a good football game.  Me and this couch and MNF…im chanting BEARDOWN and I’m ready to GO!  Mike got a growler but i haven’t had any of it yet….perhaps after this post i shall partake….anywho, on to the clown of the hour.

The game had been on for 2 minutes…and i had already starting thinking of the Blackhawks and Bulls…what the heezy is going on?

This cat Jay Cutler was out there throwing like Napolean Dynamite’s uncle.  I hadn’t had chest pains like this from watching a football game since watching Mr. Grossman toss the pigskin back in 2007.  Then he gets on national television with that douchy face that i just want to punch.  Why did he get that contract? Why is he our quarterback? I honestly cannot remember the last season where I was not interested in watching the Bears play…at all.  Honestly I had forgotten that they even had a game tonight, a couple of Saints fans on FB (unbeknownst to them) informed me that they were playing the Bears.  Jay Cutler is the sole reason I don’t want to watch them play…that, and the fact that the Bears defense is fundamentally non-existent.  I’m sure George Hallas is not happy about this.  Did we pick up Jared Allen? …Oh ok.

Jay Cutler can’t be great, because it is simply not in him to be great.  It is however, in him to be mediocre at best….and as of late – horrific.  I will say this – I am not watching another Bears game this season…that’s right, I’m on a Bearcott.  Sundays will be dedicated to listening to John P. Kee and writing, and whenever the Bears are playing, I’ll watch youtube clips of Ditka and stare at my Dick Butkus jersey…because this isn’t life, and I don’t have to put of with this misery.

– Kenneth

23.Jan – { Why Bruno Mars will Ruin the Superbowl }

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Ok – let’s go ahead and establish this from the top –

I AM A HATER

cool?……cool – now that we have that out of the way I can give you my reason for why he will ruin the Super Bowl, and what I think should happen to save it.

Bruno is the epitome of the metro-male…that has no place on the gridiron – what needs to happen is Iron Maiden and Wu Tang should come out and do a set together…but instead we’ll have a very tanned little mermaid crooning at half-time while I’m trying to drown myself in Natty Ice to make sure I’m not coherent enough to hear him whine.   The Super bowl is the epitome of raw steak and bloody knuckles…where men, manly women and awesome women that love football come together for the love of the sport – a sport that’s laced with hard hits, high adrenaline and speed.   Bruno will serve as the “cold shower” of the football feel.

I submit that we convince Richard Sherman to run out – snatch the mic from Mr. Mars and do his rendition of “Slam” by ONYX – it’s a song that fits his …….vibe.  If this doesn’t not happen, then the entire super bowl might be ruined – if the players hear his voice…they might want to hang their helmets in the locker and come out on the field and either twerk or play a game of twister.

no.

 

– kenneth

7.Jan – { A Deng Shame }

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Ha! – a Deng shame! – – I’m so clever, I bet you never thought of that!

I…personally was never really completely sold on Deng and felt like he should’ve been traded years ago, when we got rid of Ben Gordon’s trigger happy self.  One can only hope that the Bulls use this opportunity to get another big name in Chicago…someone that will mesh well with Rose once he decides to be healthy again.  Let’s not really hold on to these draft picks with the mind to “rebuild” a team that’s been on the verge of being true contenders over the last 2-3 years.  Now if the Bulls really put a strong bid in for Melo – then Thibs is going to have his work cut out for him, trying to drive defensive philosophy into LaLa’s boo-thang.  You want to know where the Bullies really messed up? – Getting rid of NATE! – that was one of the dumbest things ever – and it would be nice to have his spice on the hardwood right about now.

I can only imagine what team management thinks sometimes when it comes to these trades – but I hope they have a clue with the direction of this team – especially since the Monsters of Midway just signed Cutler for a long-term deal…

Go Blackhawks.

*kenneth

 

4.Aug – Air Life

I’m going to take you back to the 8th grade -back when i was a young stick-figured built teenager, still trying to find identity in the safari that is known as our school system.  During that time i was really budding as a basketball player and after my 8th grade year was over, I traveled with the varsity team and began to workout with them.  My skill-sets were growing but I still didn’t a certain hooper’s penache that a lot of my peers had….my best friend Los was irritated about his lack of playing time during our 8th grade season – so he was hell-bent on proving himself as a hooper.  Los boldly proclaimed one day as we walked across a long parking lot that during his freshmen year that he was going to start dunking on people…I looked at his 5’4″ skinny frame and thought – “is this dude serious?” – i think i subconsciously doubted him (and if anyone knows Los, you know that one thing you shouldn’t do is doubt him)

We went into the genesis of our high school career and Karlos began to display ridiculous amounts of spring. This kid was flying all over the place…and me and Los did everything together so I KNOW he wasn’t in the weightroom – now i had the ability to dunk- but not the ability to soar through the air…what was this dude doing?….I mean he was sometimes the smallest person on the court – but he was dunking on everyone – creating some of the best highlights in the late 90s that we still talk about to this day.

One day during practice, Los…possibly frustrated at my inability to cash in on frequent flyer miles pulled me to the side.  He pointed out a bolt that stuck out of the back of the structure that held the backboard in place as it was suspended from the rafters of the gym.  He said “KB…you see that bolt?…run, jump, and touch it” – so I did.  He then said “now look at where that bolt is in reference to the rim…”  The bolt was about 10″ above the rim! – The lesson Los taught me here was that it’s all about where you set your sights.  When Karlos went up for a dunk he aimed to dunk the ball at the top of the backboard…and on the way…he ended up at the rim.  This applies to life – keep your goals lofty but workable and fly through the air when the opportunity presents itself.  In doing that – you will experience that “Air Life” while others are just laying it up.

Thanks Karlos – I love you brother #LU

– Ken

{ Sports } – Nate, Oh Nate.

For the life of me I cannot think of any good reason why the Bulls would not do everything in their will power to keep Nate Robinson who averaged 16.3 points and 4.4 assists a game as Chicago reached the second round before losing in five games to the Miami Heat last season in the playoffs.  He, to me embraced what Chi-Ball is all about – Heart.  For him to step up as big as he did in the absence of the Heat-slayer known as Rose – was/is a pretty big deal.  I …..admittedly not paying attention to any sports ticker lately didn’t even know that his had taken place.  I was bragging to a friend about how dope it would be for Rose & Robinson to kill most backcourts next season….in which he looked at me like I was an idiot and exclaimed “You know Nate with the Nuggets now?” …..I paused, frowned and wanted to mush whoever made that decision.  It seems like the only good decisions the Bulls make in the off season is choosing some nice LuvaBulls to look at during halftime.  I am one of those Bulls fans that go into every season thinking that this is the year we’re going to take it all…like any reasonable fan would – but moves like this don’t give me warm fuzzies – they don’t even give me cold fuzzies…they make me wonder if management possesses the mental faculty to make sound personnel decisions – Derrick Rose needs help (and that was not a stab at his inability to ‘talk good’ ) but he needs another stick of dynamite out there that’s going to come through in the clutch, score buckets and help take the Bulls to the next level.

AND LUOL DENG IS NOT THE PERSON TO DO IT – AND BOOZER SUCKS PUDDING CUPS.

– Ken

5.June – All Types of Shade

Fun Vs. Fundamentals

So here we are – another year in hoops and the Heat are up against the Spurs. I hate the spurs – and it has nothing to do with them – it all started with David Robinson…extended to Tim Duncan and now the whole squad gets my disdain.  It’s such a shame how someone could enjoy the fundamentals of basketball so much but at the same time loathe a fundamentally sound team.  Popovich has the winning formula and uses it skillfully…great coaching is great coaching…but if I have to sit through the NBA Finals and look at Tony Parker’s smug-smile or TD‘s slothlike facial expressions then I’m going to take large doses of NyQuil to enter into R.E.M by halftime of each contest.  Hopefully Lebron’s inner-beast surfaces and the tandem of him and the one with the jawline of a G-Unit member (Wade) can put this away quick. We all know Boshasaurus will stay in the closet (pun intended) and TD will equalize his sometimey efforts.  I’m going to miss Paul George aiming to embarass a Miami Heater – but Manu will definetely bring some since of excitement on the Spurs side.

All-in-all ———- im sad that the NBA season is coming to a close – now we enter the dawn of the wackest time of the year when Hoops and Gridiron glory is no more – and I’m forced to watch ESPN highlights of baseball and whatever else happens in the summer – I guess the sports portion of my blog can be given to Hulu Plus reviews –

Dah Well

– Ken