Talking to one my best friends about her latest dating experiences has prompted me to compile a list of men’s characteristics according to name. I am aware that Buzzfeed has done something like this…and there have been several memes and textgrams dedicated to “Men Named ______ Are Good Husbands” or “Men Named ______ Are Cheaters”. However, I want to give more unfair generalizations about men based on the government name or hood given nicknames bestowed upon them . So, the following is the first installment of several pieces. Fellas, you know I really do love y’all, so this is in no way shape or form meant to offend. It is only meant to throw shade and poke fun and piss you off…but not to offend. My interpretations and thoughts and analysis of names have no scientific basis at all. I will however have a follow up series dedicated to numerology…that has some science behind it (you know it’s a science because it has the suffix “ology”. I am also fully aware that “ology” in Latin is translated in English as, “the study of”, but I’m saying science because I CAN) . I am not doing an A to Z list, because I really don’t have the patience. However, I’m going to give a simple list of common names. Eventually, there will be 20 total for you to agree with or make you want to egg my car. These names will be primarily those names rooted in African-American culture (most common African-American names rather), sprinkled with some Non-Ethnicity bound names, ok? I like to be fair. Now on with the show!
Mike: Cats named Mike always played basketball in high school or they meant to try out for basketball in high school…either way, they have an affinity for all things basketball. They often tell stories of what could have happened if they made it to the league. Smh. Mikes are usually attractive. Not always FINE or DAAAAAAYUM, but always acceptable to take out in public. There are few “Ugly Mikes”. Short Mikes: INDEED. They also wanted to play ball, by the way. They tend to be angry because they could not join the team, but they were an equipment manager with that loud ass whistle. They also drink Cognac, Remy or Hennessey or Martell, it doesn’t matter. DARK ONLY ROUN HEA PIMPIN! Mike also smokes copious amounts of weed…blunts only though. Grape Flavored Swisher Sweets or CIgarillos to be exact. Mikes always have a kid, somewhere, even if they don’t tell you about it, but they do. They might even have two. You might be pregnant by a Mike right now and not even know it. Mike is fertile. Stay clear of Mikes unless you want a tax write off…for the next 18 years. Note: Mike is different from Michael…men who go by Michael have jobs and 401Ks…Mikes are not always in this state of life.
Chris: Smh…dudes named Chris. It doesn’t matter if it is short for Christopher, Christian, Christmas, Christopherson , Christening…they all will disappoint you. Every. Last. One. They all have these big dreams and sell it to you so well that you believe them and even want to invest and support. The reason behind all of this is because they are smooth as baby sweat and they are usually quite easy on the eyes…okay, I’m being very soft…THEY ARE FWOINE AS HAIL!!! Like got you cooking bacon in the morning butt naked fine, like you wanna meet their mama fine, like driving to their house and 3am fine (because they also tend to have large paynises). And where I come from, that is a good enough reason for driving and for bacon. HOWEVER! They are chronic cheaters. They don’t know how to NOT cheat. They cheat in their sleep. In their dreams. They are just disloyal muffoccurs if you are in a relationship with them. They make great friends though. As long as you don’t leave your bangable friends in a room with them alone…because they will try and they will succeed. FYI. Raggedy asses…
Rob: Rob is your drunk boyfriend. Life of the party. Knows everybody when you step into the bar. But he is a HORRIBLE drunk. Every time you think you have reached a new level in your relationship, he makes you question dating all together because you had to clean up his vomit…again…and this time y’all had tacos. GAT DAMMIT ROB! But Rob is loyal. To a fault. And by fault I mean that he won’t leave, even if you try to break up with him. He just won’t go anywhere. He’s like that stray cat you fed one time and keeps coming back even after you threw hot water at it. Rob has a job, but it’s always a weird job. Like, “Naggah you do what?!?!? You put the caps on pens? Interesting”. You have a 50% chance of Rob being attractive. But again, Rob does have a job and probably a car. A really nice car. But you don’t ask questions as to how he can afford all this on a pen topper salary. You just go get tacos.
Craig: Oh my Craigs…I love y’all so much. Y’all just need to get it together. Craigs are kind of like Chrises. Except I don’t think they make Craigs in dark skinned. I’ve never met a dark skinned Craig. Like……..ever. Craigs don’t know how to sit down. They are always doing something (which is why most of the time your relationship with them won’t work because they don’t know how to make time for you). They are always on the grind, yet, unlike Chrises and Mikes, they actually have things to show for it. They tend to be into music and food and culture and beer and all things that deal with a lavish lifestyle. That crosses over all walks of life. Hood Craig likes Corona instead of MGD. Bougie/Uppity Craig likes Blue Moon over Corona. They always want to one up the next dude and prove they are not like the “last dude”., but they really are just like the last dude. . However, you maintain the relationship longer than usual because they are light skinned. Craigs know where are all the hotspots are and don’t mind showing you off at these spots. You are the trophy, the arm candy, which is nice, until he get a new project to focus on. You know I ain’t lying. You can deny it all you want. I know the truth.
Semaj: Any man who says his name is Semaj and claims to be a heterosexual is full of lies. Semaj is French for Gay Closest Stripper. We all know that’s just James backwards. You are not special or fancy. Your momma named you this because your daddy’s name is James and she hated him, but more so, hated that she loved him so much. She couldn’t bear to name you James Jr, so she thought she was being creative and named you Semaj. And now, you are a closet gay. It is your mom’s fault that you want to go work at Lucky Horseshoe (that’s a gay strip club in Chicago, you should Google it, it’ll be fun). Semaj knows how to wine and dine you. He is very sensitive to your needs and emotions and knows exactly what to say to make you feel like a lady. This is because, inside, he wants to be a lady, so he knows what HE would want to hear as Semaja or Alexandra, whatever name he decides to go with once his Lacefront wig with fringed bangs comes in the mail.
That’s all for this week. I know you’re mad. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. You’re only upset because it’s true. But it’ll be fine. Go find you a Mike or a Rob and drink some YAK and you’ll forget you even read this J
Next installment will be focusing on Wills, Keith, Brian, Anthony, and Andre.
And I’m gone…..