Written from a hole. Cramped in a shell…I have to pour these words somewhere in order to create more room for chaos.
The numbness that is typically reserved for those deserving, has spread to others and without intention. A recognized need for self-care and mental and emotional attention is before me…but knowing the mud, blood, and filth that awaits in the journey of healing – combined with a deep falling in order to climb back up is not something to look forward to. But to climb out of this hole, and be able to look down into it…with the worms, dark secrets and pieces of self would be a major summit in a minor life.
The reclusiveness that is reserved for blunt trauma is upon me, as a cold wet blanket and as much as i want to talk and reach out, i want to be left alone to lay. In my walking coma. Amongst others. Smiling. The darkness that is growing that I try to kill with matches, burn my fingers. The soft scent of smoke comforts me as something familiar and finite. I want to get lost in music…in heavy bass-lines and mood-shifting chord progressions. No one has played the music I long to hear. No one has spoken the words i long to hear.
Written from a hole, deep in my sole. Cramped in a shell. I have poured words here. And now more chaos is here.
Happy whatever day you’re reading this day.
Haven’t posted since January because I was on a mission to achieve some professional milestones – needless to say, those milestones were met! So now i can continue with regularly scheduled pettiness.
(click this and listen to it while you read this)
Today I’d like to address the nonsense that fills my inbox/DMs/text messages on a pretty consistent basis. And i know that i pretty much speak for most people when i say this.
If you text me..or FB inbox me and i don’t respond in the time-frame that you’ve mentally created without my consent…don’t bring that heat to me in the form of a nonsensical inquisition as if i owe you an explanation as to why i haven’t responded.
IN SHORT: I AIN’T WANT TO.
Years ago I had a moment of liberation when i noticed how people literally JUMP to answer their phones…sometimes running to answer it in fear of missing a call (now if you’re anticipating an important call…thats one thing) but this is not that. This is us either being thirsty for contact, or just personifying pavlov’s dog. So i made the decision there to not answer my phone sometimes when people called…which then turned into reading people’s messages and just not responding right away. I respond when i want. Thats the beauty of preferring texts over phone calls too…I’m not stuck on the phone forcing a conversation that I’ve probably lost interest in at the 00:21 second mark of the call (to absolutely NO fault to the caller)…..*ahem.
***please note – if you’re ever on the phone with me..and i just stop talking…i’m probably over you and the conversation. nothing personal…just a cold hard truth. Step ya talk game up G.
So….in closing…get over yourself. I intentionally read people’s fb messages so they can see that I read it – and then NOT respond – because I’m grown and I do what I want…and you probably didn’t say anything to provoke a response from me…
…….sounds like a personal problem to me.